Fighting My Religion
by ProlificP
Summary: A realisation, an acknowledgement and a beginning. MA


Disclaimer: Yeah I don't own Dark Angel, so?

Summary: A realization, an acknowledgement and a beginning. M/A

A/N- This is a one parter for now, maybe if I get good reviews and lots I'll be convinced that it's good enough to extend, otherwise I'm not sure.

I started one part of this and then left it for ages before rediscovering it and restarting so I'm not sure if it flows or not. It is slightly dark and it isn't the way I normally write but feedback is appreciated.

* * *

Fighting My Religion

_**Life is bigger  
It's bigger than you**_

Max watched Alec, chatting up another floozy from the bar. Blonde, playful, easy. Right up Alec-creek. Booze and women, the life of the male specimen- and Alec was the stereotyped example. She took another swig of beer, and shook her head. There was just so much more to the world than that, she looked back at them and took another swig, _so much more. _Max stood up and headed for him.

_  
**And you are not me  
The lengths that I will go to**_

He could see her looking, feel her disapproving gaze on him, but he couldn't make himself care. Or rather he'd put too much effort into not caring and firmly believed in non-regression. She thought he played The Game, he was a gambler, a gigolo, GI 494 with a rose in his mouth and a knife in his hand. He gulped down his drink and savored the burning sensation as it slid down his throat. _She doesn't realize that when I play, I play for keeps. Do you want to play Maxie?_ He smiled politely but dismissively at the pretty airhead, who flounced off with a wink and a kiss.

_**  
The distance in your eyes**_

He always did that when she tried to talk to him, put on a face. Alec the joker, Alec the clown, Alec the charmer, Alec the flirt, never just Alec. There was always something there that he didn't share with her, inner thoughts and feelings. She couldn't blame him after all that he's probably been put through, but it still irked- and hurt. She wanted more.

"Hey Maxie"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Now what did I do to offend you?" he smirked and gulped, grimacing.

"Must you prostitute yourself for every chic that passes by you?"

"And what is wrong with that?" he still smiled, but his eyes...

"Excuse me?" she grimaces "I have to associate with you everyday, I don't need your taint on my rep"

He slams his glass on the countertop, making Max jump. He turned back towards her "So why do you hang out with me Maxie? Your sense of _duty_ still nagging at you? Your conscience doesn't like it?"

Max suddenly seemed like she didn't know where to look. "What do you know about it?"

"I'll tell you what I know, Maxine. I know that every time I do something you bust my chops about it. I know that a second ago I was sitting right here, minding my own business when you decided to waltz over. I know that you don't like me or even care, so why do it Max? Why..."

"Okay!" Max exclaimed, she still didn't look him in the eye "Have you ever considered...?"

"Yes?" Alec leaned forward, eyebrows raised

"Considered that maybe..." her voice dropped to a whisper "maybe I do care". Her eyes suddenly snapped to his, terrified.

_**  
Oh no I've said too much  
I set it up**_

She left.

* * *

**_That's me in the corner_**

Alec nursed his glass, watching. He sat still, his eyes never left her table, not even to evade the looks he got from OC or Logan or Sketchy – he was waiting. Max never even glanced his way.

_**  
That's me in the spotlight**_

Max laughed gaily. She had gotten all dolled up for this, big night at The Crash. She remembered her first trips here, remembered the scams she used to pull with OC, like telling what a number was on speed dial. OC, Sketchy, Logan, Skye, Cece and Biggs all sat at the table, cramped close together. It gave her a kind of warm feeling, to be able to party with her friends, to sit with them. Then a thought came unbidden to her mind, a thought of a loner, and her eyes flicked towards the bar of their own accord. Logan was talking, but she couldn't hear. Her eyes met his.

_**  
Losing my religion**_

-FLASH-

"_You think the only problem you and Logan have is some genetically-engineered virus that'll kill the guy if you touch him?" Alec smirked slightly, quickly. He knew how that sounded. He looked right at her._

_Max looked at him disbelievingly "Yeah, that takes a front seat." _

_He leaned forward slightly, his voice slightly lowered "Max, we don't belong with 'em. Okay? We're a danger to them." He emphasized 'danger', his quick, empty smile came back again and disappeared "When are you gonna finally see that?" _

"_Me and Logan are none of your business!" she raised her voice slightly, uncertainty in her eyes. She didn't like being unbalanced. _

"_Why don't you just open your eyes and--"_

-END FLASH-

He continued to stare at her. He seemed so alone, sitting there, with no one on either side of him. She always thought she was doing right, did what was best, acted as she did with justification- but a slight guilt nagged at her.

She could sense Logan's eyes turning to where she was looking, but she couldn't tear them away. She repeated the same things to herself everyday, the same words 'right' 'good' 'best' 'them' 'help'. She acted so sure of herself. Still, he stared. Now? Now she wasn't so sure.

_**  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it**_

He finally had her attention, he'd accomplished what he'd wanted to. He should have had no reason to feel disappointed, or unsatisfied. His gaze sharpened as Biggs leaned over to whisper something in her ear. They narrowed as she blushed, she turned towards him and said something- Alec suddenly felt the loss of contact as surely as if it had been a physical severing. He stood up, he had nothing to keep him.

Something made him turn back and he caught her gaze again, she was smiling at him. An uncertain, hesitant smile sweetly touched the corners of her mouth. She changed so fast. He smiled at her before he could stop himself and her fledgling smile became a grin. She beckoned him come and the pull to go over was tremendous. He saw Logan then, looking at him with a measure of hostility and the hope that he would go away, he could see the curious glances of the others as they looked from Max to Alec to a neighbor, pretending to ignore their silent communication.

_**  
Oh no I've said too much**_

He turned away from her and headed back to the bar. He leaned over and whispered something to the bartender. He quickly scribbled something down on a scrap of paper and passed it to him covertly so that none of the others at the table would see it.

He had stayed too long, betrayed himself. He knew what Max would think of his refusal to join them. He left anyway and didn't look back.

**_  
I haven't said enough_**

She watched him leave, and her heart plummeted. He seemed so alone. She channeled it into anger, again, always. Fine, if he didn't want to be included, then he could go to hell. She turned back to Logan with a smile- but she couldn't entirely banish the hurt inside.

_**  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try**_

Her eyes kept flicking to the exit, to the last place she had seen Alec. A fact that didn't go unnoticed by her friends, nor Logan. They didn't mention it though, they talked and laughed and chatted, Max with them. Her mind though, it strayed to analyze. She didn't want to, but she couldn't help remembering Alec's surprise at her smile, her invitation, so surprised to see her act friendly. So hesitant to come over, as if he was afraid, the fearless Alec. She looked again at the exit and wondered what he was doing. Suddenly a guy was standing next her, holding out a piece of paper

"Here" he jerked his head towards the bar "That dude told me to hand you this"

Max took it "Thanks" she unfolded the note and pretended not to notice the blatantly blank expressions of her friends or the air of expectation. She read it.

'_Have you ever considered that maybe I care too?'_

She looked up quickly, crumpling the note in her hand and stuffing it in her pocket. She smiled quickly and took a swig of beer "Just some random note from a guy at the bar". She emptied her mug and grabbed her jacket. "I'm beat, I'm gonna go for a ride so I'll be home late, k Cindy? Gotta blaze" She left, but as she brushed past a railing the note fell out of her pocket.

Logan picked it up when no one was looking and read it. He crumpled the paper in his fist and looked after the love of his life helplessly. He looked, and finally gave her up.

* * *

**_Every whisper  
Of every waking hour _**

Alec stared into his glass of amber liquid and swirled it around like it could tell him the future. He clutched it, clung onto it so tight, it was as if it would save him somehow. He held it like it was a life vest in high seas and him the drowning man.

Drowning in a glass of tawny fire. He thought.

**_I'm choosing my confessions_**

What had he done? He wasn't sure. What did he want? He wasn't sure. He was just sick of clamming up, of hiding, he was engineered to be a soldier not a coward. He wanted something he didn't understand. He wanted... he wanted what? He just wanted Max to be the answer, he just wanted to know the question.

_**  
Trying to keep an eye on you  
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool**_

He didn't know how'd she'd react, and if he was completely honest, he didn't know how he wanted her to react. He cared, yes. He'd cared about Rachel. He wanted to protect her, wanted to kiss her sunny smiles, wanted to talk to her forever. But Max didn't need his protection, so he just stood by her. She never gave him sunny smiles, but it just made him want to kiss them onto her face. She didn't talk, she yelled, but even so he loved to hear her voice in the mornings. It was something familiar, something he could recognize, an acknowledgement of his existence.

So was it love? He didn't know, but he needed to find out. He knew she loved Logan, but he knew how much it ate at her. He knew what it was like to be separated from the woman he loved by Manticore, the woman he'd have loved forever. He knew that if Rachel were suddenly came alive then, he wouldn't love her, not for her at least, but only for her memory. He had become too different, too hardened, too bitter. Too old.

**_  
Oh no I've said too much  
I set it up_**

He just didn't know anything anymore. Not without her. Once he'd met an amazing girl with compassion and a zest for life who'd shown him the world in a new light and he'd fallen in love with her. Then he met a woman, with incredible empathy and a passion for freedom who never gave up no matter what her losses or the cost to her. Drowning in the tawny fire, he knew. He loved her, but she would never return it.

There was a loud pounding at his door, he wearily commanded whoever it was away but the pounding persisted. He got up, a small unfounded hope building inside of him. He approached the door with trepidation, hoping against hope that it was her. He opened the door and froze.

**_Consider this_**

"Max, I..."

"Alec, I..." they spoke at the same time. They both looked down. Now that she was here, he didn't know what to say. Now that she was here, neither did she. He spoke first.

"Max I don..." she saw that look in his eyes, the shuttered look and knew that he was going to shut her out again. Suddenly a huge hand squeezed at her heart and she knew that she couldn't bear it if that happened again. He had opened up to her and she was not going to let him stew in his poison again.

**_Consider this  
The hint of the century_**

Fueled by desperation she moved quickly and captured Alec's face in her hands. She kissed him with fervor; she poured her heart into it. She knew that Alec needed that, knew that he needed warmth in what must be his cold, frigid existence. She knew he needed a clue.

_**  
Consider this  
The slip that brought me  
To my knees failed**_

He kissed her back with as much hunger as she; he drank her in like a thirsty man in a desert drinks a drop of water. He savored her, because he knew that she could only be a mirage- that he could never possibly have her. He needed to protect her from him, from his tainted soul, he needed to protect her the way he had failed to protect Rachel from his cursed spirit. He had to push her away but his broken soul reached for a balm in her kiss and he couldn't pull away.

He had failed, again.

_**  
What if all these fantasies  
Come flailing around**_

She pulled away and looked at him hesitantly, unsure of his reaction. He didn't look cocky anymore, or like anything she'd ever seen him. For once his expression was real, his eyes were open doors and what she saw scared her- she saw anger she knew wasn't aimed at her, she saw fear, pain, hope, love, loathing, guilt. She was looking at the Alec stripped of all his defenses and all she wanted to do was hold him and drive away his demons.

_**  
Now I've said too much**_

"Alec" his expression became guarded again, his emotions put under lock and key. She flinched and saw an answering flicker in his eyes. She pressed forward. "Dick?" she smiled slightly, she searched his eyes for an answer to her unasked question?

"Bye Max" She squeezed her eyes shut and backed away, she listened to the agonizing creak of the door as it slowly cut her off from him. The man she chose.

_**  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing**_

A single choked sob escaped her, but she stifled it and sucked it up. She wouldn't let him see her, or hear her like this. Suddenly she realized that the door had stopped closing, it stood still now, the edge of the door hovering barely an inch from the frame. Another involuntary sob escaped her, this one of hope.

**_  
I think I thought I saw you try_**

The door suddenly swung inward like a tornado had blown it open and Max ran into Alec's arms.

"Oh Maxie" she cried into his shirt. She wasn't sure why she was crying but she just needed to, and he let her. He held her and quietly shut the door. She raised a tearstained face to look at him

"Dick" she hit him on the arm angrily

"Ow. What was that for?" Alec yelped in surprise. Max caught Alec unawares in a kiss and shut him up.

**_But that was just a dream  
That was just a dream_**

He woke up suddenly, soaked in sweat. It was probably the best dream he'd had in months, perhaps the only dream. He looked around him at his empty bedroom and at the other side of his bed, also empty. He smiled slightly and thought, and thought some more. He lay back in his pillows, it was just a dream, but...

In her apartment on her bed, Max stopped crying in her sleep and suddenly smiled, hugging her pillow closer. She whispered one name into the deaf night "Alec"

* * *

Pls R & R! 


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